If You Want to Get to Heaven
by LynstHolin
Summary: Written for someone who wanted some bromantic hell-raising from teen-aged James Potter and Sirius Black.


Warnings: James Potter and Sirius behaving _very_ badly. Sex (non-explicit), drugs, and rock and roll. Come on, it was the Seventies!

...

"Oh my God, my parents are home! Get out! Get out!" Sirius Black was shoved off the frilly pink canopy bed onto the avocado-colored shag carpeting. He found his torn, patched jeans and started tugging them on. "What are you doing? Get out NOW!" The naked blonde girl started grabbing objects off of the dresser and throwing them at Sirius. The hairbrush really smarted.

On the other side of the room, James wasn't faring much better. "At least let me pick up my clothes!" he squawked as an identical blonde girl punched and slapped. He kicked the screen out of a window to escape, and Sirius followed. Out in a dark alley, they got dressed. "I lost my underpants," James groused.

"I just stopped wearing them."

"OW OW OW OW OW OW! How do you keep from zipping up your bell-end?" James was still whimpering a little in pain as he pulled his Kiss shirt over his head. "This is the first time I was beaten up by a naked girl."

"I've lost count, myself." Sirius buckled his wide, white grommeted belt, then ran his fingers through his long hair so it was properly tousleed.

"It's not fair, though. I didn't get a turn with the pretty one." James smoothed his sideburns.

"They were _twins_. They're both the pretty one."

"No, mine definitely had a bigger nose and smaller tits." James frowned while he tried to bend his glasses back into their proper shape. "But, damn, I love Muggle girls. They're so..."

"Easy," Sirius finished.

"Generous."

"That, too." Sirius put his hands on his hips and looked up at the full moon. "What should we do now?"

"Girls."

" 'If you want a drink of water, you got to get it from a well'."

"Which means?"

"Girls' school."

"Sirius, you are _brilliant_."

...

"What do you want?" the girl asked, clearly amused by the two boys. She had her head stuck out the window, her straight, waist-length flaxen hair framing her perfect face. The only thing covering her upper torso was a skimpy camisole.

" 'If you want to see an angel, you got to find it where it fell'," Sirius declaimed, holding an arm up to the sky while the other hand clutched his heart.

"I'm an angel, am I?"

"Come on down. And bring a friend for my mate." Sirius pointed at James.

"A _foxy _friend," James added.

The angel smirked. "Oh, I've got the girl for you."

Another window opened. "What's going on? We're trying to sleep!" The second girl gaped. "BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!" She turned and ran off, still shouting the alarm.

The angel skillfully swung herself out the window, and shinnied down a trellis with too much skill for it to have been the first time. In addition to the cami, she wore a pair of red satin short-shorts. She was followed by a brunette in tiny cut-offs and a halter top.

"Where are they? Where are the filthy beasts?" A sixty-ish woman in a chenille robe and curlers came charging around the side of the dorm, waving a cricket bat. The four teens ran. "Jane, Anita, come back, they could be rapists!"

"I certainly hope so!" the blonde called back over her shoulder. The foursome made it to the brick wall surrounding the school grounds. Pushing aside some shrubbery revealed an opening hacked into it, leading out onto a back road. "Come on, there's a house for sale across the way. I think it's vacant," the blonde said.

It was, indeed. James kicked the door in with one size 15 foot. It was an open-plan house with a round, orgy-sized waterbed sunk into the floor of the main room. James toed his shoes off and leapt on the bed with a splash. "Perfect!" The coverlet was made of shaggy white fake fur, and the sheets were satin. The pillows were pink and heart-shaped. The brunette sat beside him and pulled a plastic bag out of her pocket. Inside were four joints. "Even perfecter. Are you Jane or Anita?"

The girl sat down beside James and pulled out a Playgirl lighter. "Anita. What's your name?"

"Snape. Severus Snape." James grinned cockily. He turned on a bedside lamp that was shaped like a pair of cartoon lips; it gave off a reddish light.

"Yeah, and I'm the Queen." Anita lit the joint, took a hit, and passed it to James. He went to pass it on to Sirius and Jane after he had a toke, but the two were already in a liplock.

"So, what's it like, being in an all-girls school?" James asked, smoke curling from his mouth.

"Bloody awful." Anita inhaled again. She looked over at Sirius and Jane, who were busy stripping each other. "So, are you going to take your clothes off or what, Snapius?"

...

"I thought you said this was a safe neighborhood," a man sniffed.

"Oh, it is, it is! It's just that the girls from the school misbehave a little sometimes. I'll have this door fixed in a jiffy," a different man replied.

"I think we should look at a different place," said a woman.

"Oh, but you must see this house! It's fully furnished, and the decor is so hip. Oh!"

Sirius and James were blinking sleepily, all tangled up together in the satin sheets. The girls were long gone. Two men and one woman stood staring down at them. One of the men wore a suit and held a set of keys. Sirius put an arm around James. "My boyfriend and I will take it," he told the estate agent.

The woman covered her eyes with her hands. "They're naked!" Her husband gave the estate agent an evil look and escorted his wife out.

"I'm calling the police!" the estate agent shrilled.

"Love isn't against the law. Want to join us?" Sirius leered as he nuzzled James' neck. The estate agent opened his mouth, snapped it back shut, turned red, and dashed out of the house. "What can I say, some people just cannot handle my level of sexiness," sighed Sirius.

...

James' father frowned at the boys from over his morning paper. "What do you think you're doing, staying out all night?"

"We weren't out all night. We just went out for breakfast." James grimaced when his stomach betrayed the lie by rumbling in hunger, but the elder Potter didn't hear it.

"Ah, that's all right, then. Have you two got you summer homework done yet? School starts next week, you know, and seventh year is very important."

"Oh, yeah, we were done ages ago," James lied, "But we're going to do a little more studying right now, just so we're ready."

"Good boys." The paper went back up.

James and Sirius went to the room they were sharing to fetch their wands, then snuck out the back door. A dirt path led to a ramshackle wooden shed. A flick of James' wand opened the rusty padlock. Inside, the splintering walls were papered with centerfolds from both wizard and Muggle girlie magazines. The floor was covered by a tarp, on which sat a 1959 Triumph Bonneville T120 with a side-car. The motorbike gleamed, with not a speck of dirt on it. Sirius got down on the tarp. "Hand me that wrench right by your foot there."

"Do you really think you can make this thing fly?" James asked.

"I _know_ I can." Sirius used his wand to enchant the wrench.

James turned on the ball-shaped transistor radio that hung from a nail on the door, tuning it to a station that was playing a Zeppelin song, then hunkered down onto his haunches to watch Sirius work. He grinned. "We are going to raise so much hell with this thing, if the Ministry doesn't confiscate it."

" 'If you want to get to heaven, you gotta raise a little hell'," Sirius said.

"Next, I'll be spinning the Ozark Mountain Daredevils' 'If You Want to Get to Heaven'," the deejay said.

"It's our song, James!" Sirius dropped the wrench, stood up, and swung a leg over the motorbike. "Let's fire this baby up." The motor bike purred, and began to levitate. "Get in the sidecar!" Sirius shouted excitedly as he revved the motor.

James was still trying to arrange his long legs when Sirius drove right through the shed door, smashing it to toothpicks. "Where are we going?" James shouted.

"I don't know, but today will be legendary!" And it was.


End file.
